two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
