my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
