Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
