This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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