I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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