my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
