i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
