We're like a lot better than the average bears
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
