i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
