plz talk dirty to me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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