I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
