somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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