wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
