i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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