Fine. I'll sleep in my office
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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