i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
