What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
