Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
