For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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