I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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