I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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