I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
