if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
