Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
