i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
