some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize