You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
