remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
