I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
