I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
