Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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