Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
