Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
