you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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