Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
