Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
