I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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