I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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