no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
