I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize