I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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