Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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