why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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