There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
