DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
