I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
