It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
