why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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