True but thats because hes a fetus.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Congratulations! We have a period
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
