My first STD was from a foam party
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
