Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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