Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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