I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
