just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
