Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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