I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
