I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
