2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He shit in the fireplace
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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