The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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