If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
