Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
