After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
