I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
