how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
