Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
