What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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